


a real detective

by absolutely_mendokusai



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hope's Peak Academy (Dangan Ronpa), Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-15 11:15:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28687728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/absolutely_mendokusai/pseuds/absolutely_mendokusai
Summary: Kokichi's disappointed that the Ultimate Detective in his class doesn't live up to his expectations. Perhaps as he gets to know him better, things will change.
Relationships: Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 8
Kudos: 71
Collections: Quality Fics





	1. Chapter 1

When Kokichi was a child, he thought detectives were the coolest thing ever. 

Of course, he thought a lot of things were pretty cool when he was a child. Robots, of course. Not lamo ones who couldn’t even lift a desk and could print pictures through their mouth, but real ones who fight and have laser beams. Astronauts, ones that weren’t hot-headed idiots, who explored new lands and could calmly get out of any situation. He even went through a brief assassin phrase when he was still too young to realize death was completely permanent and murder was one of the worst things you could do. 

But of all of those, detectives were the one that stuck the most to the point he was still a little intrigued with them. Perhaps it was too many Batman comics or detective shows on TV or that one time he read the Complete Sherlock Holmes in a span of a week. But the idea of someone, dressed in a cool overcoat, running around finding clues and jumping over rooftops and solving mysteries and catching bad guys and figuring people out. If Kokichi wasn’t already an supreme leader of a gang or orphan vigilantes, then he would totally be aiming to be a super cool detective.

So, when Kokichi learned that there was gonna be a real life Ultimate Detective in his class at Hope’s Peak, he was a bit excited. He would be so close to a real hero, one who used nothing but his own wits to solve problems. He would surely be super smart and super analytical and super cool and super interesting.

How he wished that was the truth,

According to the detective himself, Saihara Shuuichi, he didn’t even deserve to be one, Kokichi had learned eavesdropping on his conversations with his friends. He only solved one murder (and oh boy did he apparnetly feel guilty about catching a cold-blooded killer), and apparently the rest of the time he was an apprentice, helping his uncle catch cheaters or whatever. He wasn’t cool and confident and smart, but hid under a hat and hung out with idiot astronauts and assassins. A detective being best friends with a murderer! It was absolutely ridiculous.

It was an utter disappointment

Kirigiri, the other Ultimate Detective from the grade above, now she was cool, calm, and collected. Granted, she had given Kokichi a glare the one time he approached her, but she was clearly a real detective. So of course, he had to get stuck with the one with social anxiety, who like the rest took his lies at face value and didn’t even attempt to understand him. How utterly boring. 

* * *

Kokichi had entered the school library, intending to look for manga, when he saw Saihara, head on a table napping, some dull looking novel in front of him.

He of course, could not let a sleeping classmate go unharmed. 

Kokichi walked over and sat across from him. He could just do something simple, like scribble on his face. He was bitter enough towards the detective however for ruining his childhood fantasies, he felt something more had to be done. 

He couldn’t even see Saihara’s face, that stupid hat was covering it. Sherlock Holmes wore a hat, so it was technically a detective thing. Still, Kokichi doubted that Sherlock hid behind it like this one did, always pulling it over his face to avoid eye contact. Pathetic. How was he supposed to interrogate suspects like that? It would be a real help if someone took that hat from him. 

Kokichi was of course, willing to be that person.

He stood up, softly took the hat off of the sleeping detective’s head, shoved it into his jacket, and ran.

* * *

Saihara approached him the next morning before class, hair sticking up without the hat pushing it down, the assassin close by his side as a bodyguard.

"Ouma-kun, have you seen my hat?" he asked.

"What hat?" Kokichi replied, leaning back in his chair, arms behind his head.

"The one he always wears," snapped the assassin. "You took it, didn’t you?"

"What?" Kokichi titled his head. "You wear a hat? I didn’t notice. What color is it? Lemme guess, it's hot pink, right?"

Harukawa leaned over his desk, placing her hands on it. "Did you take it?"

Ah, Saihara must've brought her to play the bad cop, though what was the point if the good cop wasn’t even putting in any effort? He was just staring at the ground, not even trying to be intimidating.

Kokichi could be intimidating. 

"Can the detective here actually look at me?" Saihara looked up and Kokichi smiled as wide as he could, lowering his voice. "I'll really not be accused by a murderer and a useless detective first thing in the morning. You're supposed to solve crimes for a living and you can't even figure out who took your own stupid emo hat? I was right, you really don’t deserve to be here."

"So you do know I wear a hat," was what Saihara took from that, apparently so self-depreciating he couldn’t even try to defend himself. "Why didn't you say so?"

"I'm a liar, you know. Besides, who wouldn’t know that you wore a hat? It’s quite an eyesore. Whoever took it did a good deed, if you ask me, removing it from this world. Which is why I definitely didn’t touch it. I'm evil, and I would never do something like that."

“He definitely took it,” said the assassin. Saihara had his hand over his mouth in thought.

“And where's the evidence?" said Kokichi. "You can’t just accuse people blindly! That’s against the Detective Code, isn’t it?”

“You’re just the type who-”

Saihara interrupted her. “No, he has a point. You just thought he did it because you said he seemed the type. Do you have an alibi?” he asked.

"For what time?"

"Ah, about between 3:30 and 4:30 last afternoon."

"I was in my room," said Kokichi. 

"That's not much of an alibi,” said Saihara, frowning. “What were you doing?"

"Secret organization business, you wouldn't understand. Lots of phone calls and death threats. Why don't you actually do some investigating instead of accusing randomly? Actually try to be a detective?"

Harukawa huffed. "We aren't going to get anywhere."

"If, if you did steal my hat and I found evidence…” said Saihara. “Would you give it back to me?"

Kokichi smiled. “Who knows?.”

“Okay.” Saihara nodded. “I’ll investigate more and find out who really took it.”

Harukawa rolled her eyes, but the two of them walked away.

If Saihara really was the Ultimate Detective, he should at the very least be able to figure out who stole his hat. After that, well, Kokichi could play around with him even more. 

* * *

Every day the door to the roof was locked and every day Kokichi unlocked it and ate lunch out there. The detective was apparently aware of this somehow and was able to catch him there the next day.

“I have evidence,” he said, walking out.

“You do? How exciting! Sit down and tell me, won't you?” Koichi patted besides him. The detective sat there and reached up to lower a hat that wasn’t there before blushing.

Saihara pulled out a notebook and began. “For starters, you said you were in your dorm room between 3:30 and 4:30, but that right there has to be a lie, because Angie-san said she saw you stealing markers from the art room around 3:40.”

“It’s not stealing! This school must be paying a million yen a semester for the privilege of having me attend, they can spare a few markers.”

“You’re… Almost not wrong. That’s not the point! The point is, you lied about staying in your room yesterday.”

Kokichi nodded. “Yep.”

“Why?” asked Saihara. 

“Why not? Anyway, you still don’t have any evidence that I went into the library.” 

“That’s wrong. Togami-chan-”

“Which Togami-chan?” asked Kokichi.

“... There’s only one.”

“Then why is there one in two classes?”

Saihara’s eyes grew wide. “... You’re right.”

“Jeez, you don’t even know who you’re talking to. How unobservant.” It was probably the fake one, they could be nice if they needed to. Kokichi was pretty sure Saihara wouldn’t be able to even start a conversation with the real Togami. 

“It doesn’t matter which Togami-san it was. He said that he saw you go into the library around 4, and Fukawa-san, who works as the library assistant, says she has no memory of you checking out a book.”

Kokichi shook his head. “You really don’t know anything, do you? I bet her split personality was in charge at the time, so she can’t remember”

“... Split personality? No, she said she was certain, because she had spent the last ten minutes… Writing down everything Togami-san had done in the library?” Wait, so it was the real one? The stalker knew the difference, right? Saihara continued. “So you went into the library, but you left without a book.”

Kokichi rolled her eyes. “It’s called browsing. They have a large amount of government files, you know, and I was seeing if they had anything on my organization. I didn’t tell you, ‘cause I knew you would suspect me.”

“Expect Enoshima-san saw you leave around 4:10.”

“Which one?” asked Kokichi. “Her sister switches with her a lot, you know? That classic twin thing.”

“It doesn’t matter! How do you know all this, anyway?”

“A supreme leader needs to be aware of everyone surrounding them to watch out for assassinations.” He had broken into the office where the files were kept the second night here. It was quite interesting how many of the students went around with false titles. It made Kokichi wonder why they didn’t just give him the real title of Ultimate Liar or Prankster or something like that. 

Anyway, he had then proceeded to out Harukawa as the Ultimate Assassin the next day, to the lack of amusement of the rest of his class.

“Nine minutes isn’t enough time to go through all the files, even if you’re the fastest reader in the world, so you did something. Also, Momota-kun saw you running to the dorms laughing around that time.”

“But  _ which  _ Momota-chan?” pressed Kokichi.

“I know there's only one Momota-kun, and I know you have my hat,” said Saihara, pointing at him. Was he trying to be intimidating? Kokichi held back a laugh.

Hm. He certainly did interviews and made a timeline. Still… “How boring. I thought a detective like you would be better, but you really are just useless. Nothing but circumstantial evidence.”

"Circumstantial?” Saihara reeled back. “What do you want, a video of you taking it from my head?"

"Yes. We have an Ultimate Programmer, Ultimate Mechanic, and an Ultimate Inventor and you couldn’t get any camera footage?”

“I didn’t want to bother people from other classes too much, and Iruma-san is…” Saihara stared out in the distance and shook his head. “Besides, most evidence is circumstantial. It’s not like I can comb the crime scene for fingerprints. Can you give it back to me, please?” He looked Kokichi right in the eyes, which was surely a big moment for him. “I need it.”

“You’ll live without your hat.”

“You wear that scarf every day, right? It’s like that.”

Expect this was a fashion accessory and not some sort of shield. Sure, it was a symbol of DICE, but he didn’t need an object to prove his loyalty. It was just a fun thing. “I don’t need it, ‘cause I don’t form deep connections to pieces of cloth.”

“Ouma-kun, what do you want?” asked Saihara, clearly on the verge of frustration.

Well, time to move onto the next phrase. Kokichi grinned. "Fiine, I took your silly hat. You caught me."

"You’ll give it back then?" said Saihara, excited. 

"Nope!"

He slumped. "Why?"

"Because it's an eyesore. So emo it makes the whole room depressing, you know? I can’t concentrate with it there. I’m gonna fail the grade, it’s all I can look at during tests."

“We don’t have tests here,” said Saihara. “Besides, you can’t just steal things and not give them back!”

“I’m evil, Saihara-chan. I don’t have morals.” Kokichi lowered his voice. “Besides, you really think I’ll give it back that easily, after all the work I had to do to take it?”

“You snatched it from my head while I was napping.”

“You’re wrong. I was planning that heist for an entire week.”

“R-Really?” said Saihara, believing him. “But why?”

“I’m challenging you! Think about it. A supreme leader and a mediocre detective? We should be natural enemies, rivals, but we’ve barely talked.”

“I don’t want an enemy!” said Saihara. 

Kokichi ignored him. “If you want your hat back, you’re going to have to win it from me- Through a game!"

Saihara opened his mouth, closed it, and sighed. “Fine. We can play a game.”

Kokichi paused for a moment. Really? He was expecting Saihara to ho and hum a bit, at least ask what sort of game it was. Aw, he had a speech about Russian Roulette planned and everything. 

He must really want his hat back. 

That of course made Kokichi even more determined to never give it up. 

“Well, it’s time to d-d-d-d-duel then!” Kokichi pulled out his pack of trick cards and shuffled them, being careful to rig it. It would of course be too boring if Kokichi just outright won.. He needed to see just how committed Saihara was. “Whoever draws the highest number wins, all right? And if you lose, your soul will be doomed to the Shadow Realm, and I hear hats are banned there, so you would absolutely hate it.”

Saihara had the nerve to roll his eyes. 

Ouma drew his card. It was a seven. “You have a fifty-fifty chance of winning.”

Saihara drew his card. “... It’s a seven?”

“You tied! What a master duelist you are, Saihara-chan! We’ll have to play another game tomorrow.”

“Can’t we just draw two more cards?” asked Saihara.

“That would be boring.” said Kokichi. "Perhaps you’ve already given up, Saihara-chan?"

"No," he said, standing up. “I haven’t.”

* * *

The next day, Saihara returned.

Kokichi started with the speech about death games this time. Saihara didn’t buy it.

“Ouma-kun, I’ll die if I kneel on a boiling plate,” said Captain Obvious.

“So you aren’t willing to give your life up for your hat?”

“Of course not!” he shouted.

“Clearly you don't want it  _ that  _ much then. Maybe I'll keep it forever. That is, if I don’t burn it.”

“Isn’t there something else we can do?” asked Saihara.

“Of course! I always bring a backup plan. Rock-paper-scissors safe enough for you?”

Saihara considered it. “That’s just luck, isn’t it?”

“You think so?” said Kokichi, and the game began.

Kokichi tied and tied and tied again, matching Saihara’s throws in the split second he threw them. Kokichi had given Saihara maybe ten rounds before he gave up, so it was a pleasant surprise that he didn’t walk away.

He did get more and more frazzled, though. 

Kokichi called off the game after the hundreth throw.“I’m bored! This is the bajillionth time we’ve tied, Saihara-chan. You’re just stalling because you know you’re not good enough to beat me.”

“It’s not like I can do anything about it,” said Saihara. 

“Fine, we’re done for the day.” Kokichi jumped off. “I’ll have to give you another chance tomorrow. Third time’s the charm, after all. By the way, did you know there’s a way to throw the same thing on purpose in rock-paper-scissors?” 

“Huh?”

He ran off, laughing.

* * *

Yet again, Saihara came up to the roof, despite Kokichi basically admitting he was cheating.

Kokichi had to admit it. He was impressed. Saihara was putting up way more of a fight than he had ever expected. Of course, he still couldn’t let him win. It was probably time he brought this to an end. He would rather end this with Saihara feeling perplexed than him getting bored and just not showing up. 

“What are we doing today?” asked Saihara. 

Kokichi pulled out his pocket knife, grinning. “Have you ever heard of the knife game?”

Saihara wouldn’t want to do this. And if he did, he would do it slowly, and Kokichi would laugh at him for being such a coward and take the win. He would give up and leave him Kokichi alone and he’ll never have his stupid hat again. Well, he could just buy a new one, or he could just keep his pretty eyelashes on display for the world.

Saihara of course, instantly panicked. “We’ll get hurt!”

“Only if you’re bad at it,” said Kokichi.

He laid it on the roof tile and began.

Back and forth, faster and faster, Kokichi went. It was an easy enough trick. All about momentum, and keeping concentration. Of course, he’s been doing this for years. Maybe he shouldn’t let Saihara do this, he might do something unexpected and actually try and get hurt. Why did he care though? Sure, Saihara had moved past Shirogane on his ranking of how interesting his classmates were, but that didn’t mean anything.

Kokichi stole a quick glance at Saihara who was looking at him with a combination of concern and intrigue. 

Maybe he did care a bit.

Kokichi let the knife slip.

“Ouch!” he said, dropping the knife. It wasn’t that deep of a cut, but it was enough to look 

“Ouma-kun!” shouted Saihara, grabbing his hand. “I knew I should’ve stopped you.”

“Aw, I’ll have to forfeit. Guess you won, Saihara-chan. You can have your stupid hat back.”

Saihara pulled him up. “That doesn’t matter. We need to get you fixed up.”

Saihara dragged Kokichi to the infirmary, holding on his wrist the whole way, and it was a real shame they didn’t encounter anyone from their class, as Kokichi certainly had a few quips about that.

Tsumiki wasn’t there, so Saihara tended to his scratch by himself. He used ointment and everything. It was quite cute. 

Kokichi laughed at the absurdity of it all. Saihara looked at him, exasperated.

“I bet you’re pretty happy about this,” said Kokichi. “You get your hat.” 

“Was this really all about stealing my hat to make us enemies or whatever?”

Kokichi thought for a second. “You’re right! I had another objective!

“Which was?”

“See, you pretended that you were just hanging out with me for your hat, but I bet I was on your mind the whooole time, right? You were coming up with strategies to defeat me. I stole your heart, so now I’m satisfied!” Saihara rubbed at his forehead. “Now, when we graduate and you become an ace detective chasing after me, you’ll hesitate before taking me in, because you’ll still remember those nostalgic high school days we spent together!”

Saihara considered his words for a few moments. Kokichi fiddled with his bandage. Saihara had to have picked a dull tan one, of course.

“So… You just wanted to spend time with me?” Saihara offered.

What sort of stupid theory was that? Well, maybe he had wanted to tease the detective a bit... “No,” said Kokichi. “Why would I want the world’s lamest detective on my trail? I just wanted to get you to use a bit of brain power. To try and figure out the best way to win.”

“.. The best way to win is by doing nothing?” asked Saihara.

“... Yeah. In some situations, at least.” Probably. “Well, your hat’s in your room. Take out the bottom drawer of your dresser and it’s there.”

“... Really?”

“Would I lie to you?” Kokichi laughed and ran out. Shame the game was all over. Saihara was undoubtedly all Kokichi-ed out and would go back to hanging out with his friends. Maybe in a few months when he’s recovered Kokichi could play with him again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyway, in the game Kokichi falls in love with Shuuichi 'cause he's cool and is like, the only other smart person there. But I could imagine a Kokichi in "real life" going "who is this loser that at first glance seems like the opposite of every detective I've ever fantasized about?"
> 
> I also tried to find tips on how to win the knife game and Google gave me a page about using knives for cooking.
> 
> My tumblr is [here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/absolutely-mendokusai). Give me a follow if you so please.


	2. Chapter 2

Kokichi was poking at his lunch, almost regretting sending Saihara away so soon. While he may had been a boring detective, his patience was absolutely outstanding, Kokichi had to give him that. He missed playing games with people. Kokichi hadn’t wanted to go to Hope’s Peak. It would be so easy to drop out and go back home, but Kokichi wasn’t a quitter. Everyone at DICE had thought the acceptance letter was a joke at first, but then no one admitted they did it, and everyone had insisted that he had to go ‘cause it was such an honor. Some honor. They apparently let any loser in here these days.

As if on cue, the door to the roof opened.

Ouma-kun shot up and put a grin on his face. “Saihara-chan! What are you doing here? I gave you back your hat. Did you already lose it again, and that's why you're not wearing it? I didn’t take it this time, really! Man, a detective who can’t even keep track of his own clothing. No wonder why you’re an amateur.” 

Saihara touched his head where his hat should be, walking over to Kokichi. “Ah, I didn’t lose it, I just got used to not wearing it." Thank God. "How’s your finger?”

Back to playing nurse?" “It hurts so much, Saihara-chan.” Kokichi filled his eyes with tears. “It’s getting all black and numb. I think it might need to be amputated.” 

“Let me see…” Saihara grabbed his hand and inspected the finger carefully. Kokichi had replaced Saihara's boring bandage with a Hello Kitty one. “It’s fine. You’re taking care of it."

"Nishishi! You're right! You're finally making some progress, being able to see through my lies!"

Saihara smiled. “That wasn’t even that good of a lie.”

“E-Eh? Saihara-chan is questioning my ability to lie? But, but I’m 70 percent lies. If my lies aren't good, that means I’m… I’m… Worthless." He burst out into tears. "You’re so cruel!"

"Hey, hey, I'm sorry."

Kokichi shut off the waterworks. "Nope, still got it. Listen, it's real cute you like playing pretend that you're the Ultimate Nurse, but I can take care of myself. You can leave."

"I, I was wondering," Saihara continued. "I- I had fun hanging out with you the last few days." Fun with what? The games he rigged for the sole purpose of fucking with him? 

"Iruma-chan did say you looked like a masochist."

"Really?" said Saihara, face turning red.

"Not a lie."

"Well, I'm not one." Saihara's face scrunched up. "Why would she say that? Listen. We... could play more together."

For starters, Kokichi didn’t have another one planned, or at least one that was easily riggable. Rig it for what, though?

"I don't have another event planned, 'cause I didn't know my beloved Saihara-chan wanted more than just your hat. " Kokichi tilted his head. "Do you want your heart back? Is that it? ‘Cause I’m not planning on giving back. It’s mine now, forever and ever."

“You can keep it. We don't have to play a game. We can just… Hang out."

Now, this was an interesting turn of events. Did he actually pique the detective's curiosity? How exciting! Sure, Saihara was a low-level detective, but still. He could at least pretend this was something. 

Kokichi patted next to him and the detective sat down.

“Yeah, yeah. Saihara-chan can tie me up and interrogate me as much as he wants.”

"No tying up, okay?" said Saihara, holding out his hands.

"Let's be real. You just want to know about my organization, don’t you?"

“That’s not the only reason." Saihara was staring straight towards the edge of the roof instead of anywhere near Kokichi, proving once again he had no interrogation skills. "I am curious. I’ve been doing some research, and there’s not a single one that fits its description.”

Kokichi rolled his eyes. “Because it’s secret, you dummy.”

“But for it to be that big… There has to be rumor, right? I even looked through the archives here." Probably 'cause Kokichi gave him that idea. "There's nothing there.”

“You shouldn’t underestimate me. With a phone call, I can change the world, you know? We control everything. The mafia, the yakuza. Kuzuryu-chan will tell you differently, but don’t listen to him, he’s in denial.”

“... Right. So how-”

Kokichi interrupted him before he could ask another stupid question. “Why don't you tell me about being a detective?”

Saihara instantly frowned and looked away. “I-I’m not really much of a detective.”

There was that dull humility. “You’re an Ultimate! You have to have done something cool, right?”

“You know I’m more of an apprentice.” 

Seriously, who the hell let him in the school? “Come on! Have you ever jumped across a roof, chasing a thief?” Kokichi asked.

“I once jumped across a river chasing an alligator.” There was something, right out of an adventure movie! Saihara must’ve noticed the twinkle in his eye, for he instantly followed it up with, “It was a miniature alligator. A pet of a friend. Nothing cool.” 

“Oh. Well, have you solved a locked room murder?”

Saihara shook his head. “I don’t think those happen in real life.”

“Well, surely you’ve tortured suspects to get the truth out of them.”

“No! Just what do you think detectives do?”

“They figure out who the bad guy is using nothing but their intelligence and ingenuity and save the day!” 

Saihara shook his head. “Maybe if you’re a police detective, it's exciting like that, but I’m a private investigator. It’s just lots of long stakeouts where nothing happens and combing social media profiles. It’s not flashy like in the movies, fortunately."

"What do you mean, fortunately?"

“It's safe. I don’t want to jump across roofs, that sounds terrifying. I don’t think I could handle it if being a real detective was like fiction.” 

Saihara may have the endurance to talk to Kokichi, but still. "You're such a disappointment."

“I’m sorry. Does murder cases regularly, so maybe it’s different for her, if you want to ask her about that.”

"Kirigiri-chan doesn't want to talk to me."

"You've tried?" asked Saihara. 

"She's too serious to be any fun. Ours has to be the worst Ultimate class ever. A detective who doesn’t want to do anything detectives do, a robot without laser beams, an astronaut who's never been to space." A supreme leader of a gang of teenage hooligans.

"I asked Kirigiri-san about that, and she said it's more about the potential." What, did that mean they thought he was going to rule the world someday? “Besides, they didn’t do the raffle for the Lucky Student this year, which means they didn’t need to find anyone extra.”

“A robot without laser beams,” repeated Kokichi.

* * *

When they got back to class, Saihara made a beeline towards Iruma, probably to ckear up the masochism misunderstanding.

Kokichi sat down.

"What are you doing with him?" asked the assassin who unfortunately sat right behind him.

Kokichi turned around and grinne. "Saihara-chan was asking if he could join my organization, 'cause he's sick of being in a friend group with an assassin."

"Can you quit lying?” said Harukawa. “There's no way you're the leader of an organization."

"Didn't me and Saihara-chan teach you the other day? You need evidence before you accuse people. "

"Oh, I do have evidence. Only an absolute idiot would follow your lead."

Kokichi stood up. "Don't insult them! I'll let you know every single one of my members is a thousand times better than you!" He smirked at Harukawa, her red eyes almost glowing with anger. "You're just jealous, because unlike you, I have people who respect me and look up to me and love me. I bet you don't know how that feels, 'cause no one could ever-"

Before he could even blink, Harukawa was on him, hands around his throat. Kokichi could vaguely hear the class break out into commotion around them, but it was hard to focus on considering he couldn't breathe and the red eyes in front of him seemed keen on not stopping. Just when he was starting to see spots, he was freed. Momota had pulled her off of him. Saihara had gotten to his side at some point too. What a cute juxtaposition.

"Are you okay?" asked Saihara, touching him gently on the shoulder.

Kokichi waved him off, blinking as his vision slowly returned to normal. "Not- Not my first assassination attempt,” he wheezed out, rubbing his throat. he wheezed out, rubbing his throat. Not a total lie. An trigger-happy cop had shot at him once, but missed by quite a bit. This… Harukawa wouldn’t really have killed him... Would she? He never thought she would hurt him in front of the entire class. God damn it, his neck was going to bruise. Good thing a scarf was already a part of his everyday outfit. 

“Couldn't even put me in a coma,” he said, giving her the cheekiest grin he could muster and her default glare became even more intense..

“I could if I wanted to,” said Harukawa darkly. 

"No doubt about that." Well, this would teach the class. The assassin was a ticking time bomb. He looked around the room. 

Why were they all glaring at him? Sure, he started it, but it was Harukawa who took it too far. Why were they all looking at him like he was the bad guy?

Did they hate him that much?

… Maybe he really should drop out. 

“Ouma-kun?” said a soft voice at his side.

Kokichi walked out of the classroom.

He wanted to go home. Not just back to his shitty dorm, but his real home. He wanted to leave his idiot classmates and go back to his family who loved him and put up with him unlike these people who thought he was nothing but a nuisance. Which, granted, was true, but they could at least pretend it wasn't, lie back a bit. He knew realistically not everyone hated him. The majority certainly did, but he and Iruma had a similar sense in insults, Gonta couldn’t hate anyone, even if he tried, and Saihara-

“Ouma-kun, wait up” said a voice behind him.

Goddamn detectives, following him. Kokichi paused. Everything was fine, he hated his crummy classmates just as much as they hated him. He took a breath and turned around. 

"Aw, you followed me, Saihara-chan? How cute. "

"I…' He shifted where he was standing, clearly regretting dropping the hat. “Are you sure you’re all right?”

"I told you, not my first assassination attempt. That time with the poisoned Panta was much worse."

“I know you’re physically fine, but...”

Kokichi rolled his eyes.“Saihara-chan wants to make sure I’m not sad? Don’t worry. I’m fine if you all want to pick the assassin over me.” He lowered his voice. “When you count up all the horrible things I’ve done, I probably have a higher body count than her, you know.”

Saihara's eyes grew wide, but then he shook it off. "I don’t think that’s true. Listen, you were wrong to provoke Harukawa-san-"

"Oh, I see.” Kokichi turned back around and continued on his way back to the dorm. “You just came all this way to tell me off."

Saihara followed him, of course. "I’m not done. She did take things too far. She’s nice when you get to know her."

"She's a killer! Why don't any of you understand that? Aren’t people supposed to hate killers? Even when I’m normal for once, you all treat me like I’m crazy."

Saihara frowned and looked at the ground. “I, I like you, and I want you to get along with my other friends."

Welp, time to end this. Saihara wasn’t going to move, and god knows Kokichi wasn’t. Ah well. He wouldn’t have minded playing with Saihara a bit longer, but this would’ve happened sooner than later.

"Why would I ever do that? I barely care about them, much less your feelings. I don’t know why you’re acting so close to me. We aren't even friends, after all. If anything, you're stalking me."

"I… You really think that?"

"I’ve seen you staring at me during class." Saihara blushed despite the fact Kokichi threw that one out blindly. “I hid up on the roof during lunch for a reason, y’know? I want to be alone, but then I have you being a total creep around me all the time.”

He could hear Saihara’s footsteps pause. That was easy.

The detective then ran to catch up, standing right in front of him, forcing Kokichi to pause."No, you would’ve told me to go away sooner if you really thought that. You… You lie a lot, but you’re frank about things you don't like. Maybe too frank."

"You think you know everything about me after a week, huh? That’s a lot, coming from such a half-assed detective like you. Like I said, you don’t even deserve to be in this school. I would leave, if I was you, before all your ‘friends’ figure out what a fraud you are."

Saihara looked down at the ground. “You don’t have to be like this. You don’t have to lie about yourself constantly.”

“I see. You want me to change?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“None of you here are worth changing for, y’know? You’re all the same! You all hate lies for no reason, even fun ones, but you ignore how much you lie. Like you right now.”

“I’m not lying.”

“You said you like me, but now you want me to stop lying, when lies are who I am? That’s quite mean, don’t you think?” Saihara looked down..”Shame, I was just starting to think that you weren’t  _ that  _ bad, but I was wrong.” He got close to Saihara and looked up, forcing eye contact. “I didn’t even know detectives could be so utterly, mind-numbingly dull until I met you. You could use a few lies to spruce yourself up..” 

That final insult was enough to stun Saihara enough Kokichi felt confident in running away without being followed anymore. He took off in a full sprint towards the dorms. Stupid. This was why he didn’t open up around new people. .

Kokichi reached his dorm room and turned around, and definitely felt relieved when he saw Saihara didn’t chase him. Maybe if Saihara was a flashy detective, he would be followed and have the truth forced out of him. The detective probably just hated him now. Hell, he probably hated him from the beginning, probably just hung out with him out of morbid curiosity. Detectives were obsessed with the truth after all, the opposite of him.

* * *

Kokichi was on thin ice. He spent the weekend lurking in his room. Kokichi refused to skip school on Monday. That would make him look weak. He could feel Harukawa glaring at the back of his head through the entire day, likely imagining the best way to slit his throat and get away with it. 

So when he heard the roof door open at lunch, he was not in the mood.

“Leave,” he said without moving. The clouds were so much nicer to look at than the detective.

“I’m sorry, Ouma-kun,” said a pitiful sounding voice.

Ugh. Kokichi  _ hated _ pity. He wondered how long it took after their argument for Saihara to feel guilty despite the fact it was him who did most of the attacking.

“I told you, you’re a creep. Go away.”

Saihara appeared in his vision, looking down on him. “Can we just talk for a moment?” 

Kokichi closed his eyes. “No.”

“Please.” He heard the detective move to sit.

“Maybe if you commit seppuku, I’ll forgive you.”

“Then I’ll die, ” said ace detective Saihara.

“That’s the point.” 

“Listen, I… I want to know more about you. I know you don’t think we’re friends, or at least you said that-”

“I meant it.”

“Right. But, I think you’re fun to be around-” 

Kokichi sat up. “God, I rejected you, leave! You really are stalking me now.” 

Saihara bit his lip and looked away, amber eyes glancing towards the sky looking utterly depressed. 

Maybe he could fuck with him one last time. 

Kokichi jumped up.

"I'll give you one last chance to prove yourself. One more game. If you win, I’ll forgive you and we can become best friends or whatever you want. But if you lose, you’ll never talk to me again, okay?”

“I accept,” said Saihara, standing up.

“I knew you would. All right. It’s hide and seek. I'll hide. The map is the entire campus. If you can find me, in, say, thirty minutes, then you’ll prove that you really do know me."

"That's not much time for the entire campus!"

"But I thought you knew me so well, Saihara-chan. It’s impossible for you to explore the whole thing in that time, so you’re going to have to use what little wits you have to find the answer. Don't worry, I won't hide in a place you don’t have access to, like my dorm or the secret room you can get to from the third floor bathroom.” Saihara blinked. “Everywhere else is free reign."

“What about class?"

“Attendance isn’t mandatory, you know that. Or am I not worth skipping a half a day for?”

"I’ve just never skipped before, that’s all! I’ll find you,” said Saihara with a mockery of confidence.

“All right! We’ll start at the fountain, since that’s the center of the school.”

Kokichi walked Shuuichi to the fountain at the center of the courtyard and told him to count for five minutes. "I’ve put a tracker on you, so I'll know if you cheat."

"If I cheat?” said Saihara.

Kokichi ran off, laughing. He quickly criss-crossed across the campus before re-entering the main building and heading to his roof, laying back down and closed his eyes. The obvious spot was always the safest one, especially for faux detectives who were probably prone to overthinking. It amused him, imagining Saihara running around school in a panic while he was here in peace. An absolutely great final prank. 

Kokichi was just about to doze off when heard the door to the roof open. It couldn't be.

The detective was leaning over him, smiling. Kokichi quickly checked the time on his phone. Not even ten minutes had passed. But how?

"Really checking here first? How lucky."

"I thought, 'where's the least likely place a normal person would hide' and went there," said Saihara. "It was either here or the classroom."

So he did have enough wits to figure him out. He  _ was _ a detective. How exciting.

Kokichi jumped up. "It doesn’t count unless you catch me, you know?"

"What?"

He jumped off and sprinted out the door. He could hear a 'hey' behind him as Saihara made chase.

Kokichi led him to the park right outside of campus. He knew Saihara wasn't going to last much longer. It was an unfair game. Kokichi was naturally faster and had more stamina.

So he tripped over nothing, falling right on the grass. 

"Ooow…" he groaned.

"Ouma-kun!" A hand on his shoulder. "You really are clumsy."

“You’ve caught me!” Kokichi turned around and tackled Saihara into a hug, pushing him towards the ground. "Now you'vr stolen my heart!"

" _ I  _ have now?" said Saihara.

"Yeah. Now we'll be besties forever."

“I'm glad you've forgiven me so easily," said Saihara, pushing him up. "But I really am sorry, okay? I shouldn't have pushed you like that."

Kokichi jumped up and grabbed Saihara by the arm, pulling him up. "Don't worry! At my organization, we solve all fights with games. It's true."

"But…"

Saihara needed sincerity, huh? Fine, he deserved a little moment of truth. Kokichi craned his neck up and spoke softly. “I twisted your words a bit. I’m not going to get along with your friends unless I want to, though, and you need to accept that I'm an awful liar and nothing's going to change that.”

“... All right,” said Saihara quietly.

Kokichi wrapped his arms around Saihara's."Let's go!" he said, pulling the detective along.

“To where?"

“To the dorms! I have a chessboard, and now that I know you’re smart, I wanna see how good you are.”

"I'm really not that good," said ever-so humble Saihara.

"Just like how you're not that good at being a detective, when you're not horrible, am I right?"

"Didn't you say I was a disappointment?"

Kokichi shook his head. "You're not boring, Saihara-chan. I've just never seen a detective like you, that's all, so it took some getting used to."

"Thanks… I think."

Kokichi dominated him at chess, of course, but Saihara did do better than he expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First day of my last semester of Zoom University today. Five minutes before class starts, when everyone is silent in the lobby, I’m eating saltine crackers. Some random guy goes, “I like your Danganronpa avatar, (insert my name here)”, my avatar being sparkly eyed happy Kokichi. Five minutes later I turned on my camera and revealed that I was wearing a Kokichi shirt, utterly exposing myself to the class. I then finished writing this chapter instead of paying attention, lol.
> 
> You don’t have to follow me on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/absolutely-mendokusai), it’s not like I’m lonely or anything, really.


End file.
